I generally shy away from giving parenting advice, mostly because I figured out not too far into the gig that I don’t know that much.
But now that our children are ages 15 to 21 and we’ve been at this a while, I can safely say that I’ve learned a few things — mostly because I did them all wrong.
When I was pregnant with our first child I was filled with romantic notions about parenting and how we would absolutely have the best child that ever existed and he would become the best adult who ever existed outside of Jesus, Mother Teresa and my blessed grandmother.
After 9 months of pregnancy and 20 hours of labor, the midwife finally placed my son in my arms and I immediately realized two things:
- This was the most beautiful experience I had ever had;
- I would be lucky to keep this kid alive, much less parent him into adulthood.
While the terror was still fresh, friends gave us a parenting book filled with helpful tips like how to schedule your baby and control your toddler to within an inch of his life.
I was ecstatic! Here was my 12 step plan to a perfectly behaved and wonderful child. I had found the truth, discovered the light, and boy did I judge other parents who weren’t raising their kids the “right” way. They obviously were ruining their children, producing future hellions and possibly even ax murderers.
As the years rolled by I continued with my “sure-thing”, controlling parenting model with all four of our children. Oh, I said to myself and to others that I was loving my children and giving them choices, but the truth is that I made sure that they did everything just the way I wanted them to and if they didn’t, I made sure that they received the “consequences” of their actions. And most of the time I was really angry about their disobedience.
But boy did I feel smug about my parenting.
Then a few years ago, one of my young teenage children handed me a letter scribbled out on a sheet of notebook paper. Little did I know that this humble, wrinkled, slightly smudgy piece of paper would change my world.
As I unfolded the paper I began to read my child’s frustration and anger at the way I had parented. The anguish spilled out onto the page and I began to weep. I realized that responding in anger when my child didn’t perform as I expected had done nothing but produce pain and anxiety — not the “fruit” I wanted. I understood for the first time that my child felt completely unaccepted and unloved.
I determined right then and there to be a more compassionate parent, to parent with mercy and grace rather than control and consequences.
Yes, I need to teach my children what’s right and I need to teach them to function well in society, but I need to focus more guiding them in love than controlling them.
I’m honestly not very good at this new way of parenting and thinking, but I’m trying to be more compassionate, merciful and grace-filled.
So what was my big mistake?
My mistake was believing that parenting is a transaction, a math equation in which controlling my child + “no-fail” rules = an obedient, well-behaved, awesome kid, which makes me look like an awesome parent who has it all together.
Only parenting isn’t math.
It’s more like a beginner artist with no experience or talent trying to create a beautiful work of art.
He sloppily makes a few brush strokes then realizes the color is all wrong so he tries again. After a while the canvas is covered with splotches and streaks and a multitude of colors that when viewed up close appear chaotic, and maybe even senseless.
But here’s the thing.
If the two colors you paint with most of the time are love and encouragement, your painting will never turn out wrong. And the good news is that if you have messed up like I have, you can always change your brush strokes.
My children and I are currently experiencing the best relationships we’ve ever had. They make choices, sometimes choices that I don’t agree with, and I do my best to support them, love them and encourage then to do what’s right — but I love then whether they make the right choice or not.
I’m not perfect, or even close to it, but the beauty in the struggle is that we imperfect people learn to relate to one another with love and understanding. THAT is a sure-fire way to parent.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way, but hopefully I can encourage you to start painting with the right colors from the start.
I can’t wait to see your masterpiece.
We’re In This Together!
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Well said. I have 6 kids 23, 21, 17, 15, 4 & 4. Let’s just say I’m a different mom with the twins. I’m much more interested in teaching them with love than in controlling their behavior. I know now that misbehavior needs to be dealt with so that they grow and mature but that it isn’t necessarily going to set a pattern for adulthood.
That’s awesome Cinda! I think we all learn with those first kids — poor things!
Thanks for taking the time to comment. 🙂
I was raised by a very controlling mother who wanted to look good, rather than love her kids and encourage them to be who they are. Now, neither of her kids speak to her and want nothing to do with her at all.
It is sad…but she is reaping what she sowed.
I raised my kids with the love and encouragement method and we are closer than I ever thought it was possible. I love my kids more than I thought it was possible and they have turned out to be incredible people that I am so proud of!!
I’m so sorry that you are not in relationship with your mother Terri. It is really difficult when our parents are dysfunctional but I do hope that you can one day restore that relationship if possible. Good for you for raising your own kids well!
Thank you for this post. Being a working mom with 6 1/2 year old twins you learn quite quickly not to sweat the small stuff. My husband and I are strict on manners and behavior, but I personally have also had to learn not to critique their every move. At this age I see how kind and respectful they are to those around them and know we did something right, but the key is to let them show you they know how to act and treat others without reminding them what to do or say. So now I try to focus on the following. Focus on their strengths, help them where they are struggling, listen to them, love, feed, shelter, cloth and occasionally remind them to shower?
“and occasionally remind them to shower” — haha! Love it!
As the mama of children ages 23 down to 10, I wholeheartedly agree with every word! I made the same mistakes and learned the same lesson. I’m thankful God continues to teach me (and my kids do too, lol). I’m also super grateful that I have good relationships with them all. I loved what you wrote and the way you wrote it. Thanks for being so honest and real!
Thanks for your encouragement Lisa!
I think that parents need to realize that you will get angry and scared and frustrated. That’s okay! We are human, but while trying to have a good relationship with your child, you must not be afraid to be their parent. Yes please discipline your child. Teach them respect and humility. As a teacher, I saw condemnation, neglect, criticism, control, and I saw love and guidance and nurturing. Don’t always be your kids best friend- love them enough to say no, attempt to thwart negative behavior and instill the Golden Rule to do unto others. My biggest parenting mistake was wanting my children to be like me, not their father. Be careful what you wish for! Sometimes my daughters are the same neurotic mess that I was at their age. In fact, my youngest suffers from post partum depression and anxiety. She has become so obsessed with protecting her child that lliving is an obstacle. The panic attacks are horrendous and she cries saying she don’t know how I did it. My answer then would have been Dear God you are doing this wrong or oh no what did I do? Today my answer to her is one day at a time. Separation is good and healthy for you both. Count each blessing no matter how insignificant you think they are. It’s great to be a protecting, loving, guiding, encouraging parent, but don’t forget to live in the process and realize no matter how much you think you know, someone knows more, and it’s usually our children who end up teaching us! My daughter has sought help for her depression and anxiety. It’s a daily struggle for her. The panic attacks break my heart, but she is not alone.i have been there! Millions of moms have. Not only is there safety in numbers, there is strength.
I am so sorry that your daughters is dealing with anxiety and depression Korinna. I pray that she will find peace. I love your advice to not be your kid’s best friend. So true!
I completely relate to this. I hope I’m able to follow your lead and soften my approach.
We are all a work in progress Claire. 🙂 Good for you for trying to be a better parent!
Really great & encouraging post!! So good for new parents like me!! 😀 “If the two colors you paint with most of the time are love and encouragement, your painting will never turn out wrong.” I love that!! So good!
Thanks so much Rachel! You are such an encourager. 🙂
Isn’t it amazing how God humbles us! Our children are 20, 18, & 15 & we too thought our way was the “best” way have since found out its not!!!!!!!!!! We do have a good relationship w/ each of our children but have learned the hard way that sometimes we have to learn by our mistakes & say I’m sorry.