We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to talk about something very important today: life, depression and death.
There are some holes in life that can never be filled because the piece that fits is missing.
Robin William’s death leaves one of those holes. I don’t normally write about celebrities but this has grieved me deeply. Robin Williams was one-of-a-kind: caring, hilarious and brilliant. He is a piece of the puzzle that can never be replaced and truly the world will not be the same without him. Even more importantly, his family will never be the same.
I grieve for them and for all of us, but I can also relate because I know that deep suffocating darkness of depression that leads to thinking that the only option is suicide.
I was 33 years old and had just birthed my fourth child in five years. My body was wrecked, my hormones were crazy and our finances were a disaster. My husband and I fought most of the time and finally one evening while he was at work and the kids were in bed I decided that the only solution to my problems was to kill myself.
I very coldly surveyed all of my options and decided that I would combine bleach and ammonia in my closed bathroom, inhale the fumes and die.
Nothing is funny about suicide but I do find it humorous now that I thought using household cleaners to induce death was a good option. I probably would have turned my brain to mush and continued living as a vegetable for 80 years.
In the midst of my delusional thinking I had one sane thought – that I should call a counselor with whom I had been talking. I believe now that God prompted me to call rather than going through with my death wish, and it is the thing that saved me and set me on the long road to recovery from debilitating depression. (I am completely healed now.)
Unfortunately my brother-in-law did not make the choice to call and we lost him at Christmas time 15 years ago. We still feel the void of his life.
My point in telling you all of this is to let you know that if you are suffering with depression, you are not alone.
Many others have walked where you are walking and there is hope. Don’t wait to get help because we need you. Your family needs you. Your friends need you. The world needs you.
Robin Williams death leaves a huge hole in our hearts and our lives because he is irreplaceable…
And so are you.
Kimberlee, you are a very brave soul for sharing what you have and how you’ve come out the other end that much better. My entire family is peppered with some form of mental illness. My older son’s biological father committed suicide before he was even born (he’s 16 now). I am so very blessed that my husband adopted him and is taking very good care to raise him to be a very good man.
I have to share a story with everyone that has been very hard for me to talk about. I am an 911 emergency dispatcher in a nearby city that also dispatches for neighboring towns. One night I was coming in to work to relieve my partner and she was giving pass on in regards to a death that was being handled by deputies in one of the neighboring towns. I was listening, but not fully until she said the name of the deceased…it was my mother. I instantly dropped to the floor in hysterics. My partner did not know it was her because we had different last names. She had overdosed and her current husband did nothing to try and help revive her, in fact he actually hung up on my partner. She was left half naked on the floor of the bathroom. (I have been having a very hard time forgiving him for that.)
I loved her very much and knew that she had self-esteem issues because of said husband, but I always encouraged her that she was important and that she was special. She had 4 children total, and we all always tried to keep as involved as possible with her grandkids who were everything to her. She left behind 8 grandkids, two of which she never met. Our youngest sibling is yet to have children but sadly she will never know them either.
Though I know she lives on in our hearts and memories, of which are many, I was profoundly sad because I had always been raised that people who commit suicide do not go to heaven. I struggled with this for a while until I spoke to someone who said that she probably made her peace with God as she lay there dying and is now watching over her family. I cling to this fervently because there is no way that my memories can do justice to actually spending time with her.
Please, I beg of you that knows someone or even suspects someone may be feeling down, talk to them and let them know you care. Whether they choose to believe it or not is entirely a different story but you made an effort to connect and that goes a long way to helping them realize that they can get through the dark times and that they do have something to live for.
Thanks again Kimberlee, and may God Bless You and Yours
I am so, so sorry Heather. How horrible for you! I am sure that you have had a difficult healing journey, but I appreciate you sharing your story. I pray that God will comfort you as only He can.
Thank you for sharing your own struggle, Kimberlee. Nearly 4 years ago, I rushed to my mothers house after receiving a message telling us goodbye. I was able to save her that time, but sadly, two years ago, she did not reach out. She had her cell phone in her pocket. I presume she had made her peace and did not feel compelled to reach out that time. Losing a loved one is hard. Losing one to suicide is the most horrific loss. My daughter has tried over six times to end her life. Thankfully, her grandmothers death reinforced her desire to live! Some good came from my moms death. I have struggled immensely and my husband contemplated suicide last year. I pray that the loss of Robin Williams brings to light that depression is a disease that is often masked. We must continue to tell our stories. To share so that others may know we survive. There is hope. The light is there, and if you can’t see it, tell someone so they may share their light and help to guide you. Thankful you made that call.
I am so sorry that you lost your mother Virginia, but I am glad that it made an impact on your daughter so she can break free from the horrible lie that her life is not valuable. Blessings to you and your family.
That was really brave of you to share your story – and who knows when it could prompt someone else to pick up the phone and call someone. I too tend to skip the celebrity news, but was profoundly saddened by Williams’ death. My uncle and a dear friend committed suicide many years ago and I suspect when one has a little more personal experience with it, it tends to affect a person differently. As someone told me once, “you can never know for sure what kinds of demons live in people’s heads…”
Thanks Beth. I am so sorry that your uncle killed himself. I pray that God will continue to comfort you and your family in your loss.
Thank you for this post. I admire you for sharing everything about your life. Thank you for living and being a great wife, mom and person.
Thank you so much for your encouragement Emilie – it really means a lot!
Your post also touched me in another way, besides the Robin Williams thing. I think it was very good of you to come out and share your experience related to your brush with suicide. That impacted me because in high school, I had a friend who almost committed suicide more than once. She had a rough family life and I, her best friend, was really the only one who was there for her and really listened. She was even institutionalized for a month or two, and received psychiatric help. While she was committed, she was only allowed one 10-minute phone call per day. Do you know who she called, every single day? Me. I was sort of her rock, and she is still alive now with a few children of her own and much happier. It makes me feel good that I was able to help her overcome her suicidal thoughts, along with the help of others of course. A friend of mine knows someone who recently killed himself too, so this is definitely a major concern. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Amanda! I am so glad that you were able to encourage and help your friend. It is such a tragedy that Robin Williams killed himself but maybe by writing about it we can help others to make a different choice. Thank you for taking the time to comment here.
I subscribe to your youtube channel and thought I would take a look at your webpage. What a beautiful and honest post, depression and suicide is so often swept under the carpet and thankfully by God’s grace you are here to share your story. I am sorry to read of your brother in law, you and your family will know exactly how the Williams family are feeling right now. I think his death has touched us all and when I read thet news I prayed for him and his family.
God Bless
San
This is a great post. Like you, I was hit pretty hard by Robin Williams’ death. He was undoubtedly one of the best actors of all time, even known for having script writers deliberately leave openings in the script because of his amazing talent for ad-lib. In fact, I read that almost all of his lines as Aladdin’s genie were ad-libbed, as were many from Mork and Mindy. It’s sad that a man who was so world reknowned for making people laugh and putting smiles on their faces was himself so tormented by negativity that he felt it necessary to take his own life. I can only hope now that he is at peace, and he will be deeply missed. I, too, felt the strong drive to write a post on my blog as a tribute to him, to honor his memory. Robin Williams has been permanently immortalized by his movies and TV shows and will be remembered for generations to come.
Welcome Sandra! Thanks for your kind words and for taking the time to comment here. (And hopefully I will have time soon to make more videos for the You Tube Channel. 🙂 )
thank you w/ tears…….. depression is one of the hardest things anyone has to deal with…. to me its worse than any other disease out there because most of the time it is never cured…….many people live w/ it all the time….Oh Kimberlee so sorry for your pain & so thankful you got help, you are a blessing to so many people through your blog :)I too have battled w/ depression especially after each one of my children were born, praise the lord I have figured out a way to live w/ it 🙂 last thanksgiving our family lost a cousin to suicide she had been depressed for several months, her mother tried to help but her hands were tied because she was married & her husband didn’t understand all she had been through in her life….such a sad time………With God all things are Possible is my motto…he truly is our healer 🙂 keep encouraging us 🙂
I am so sorry to hear about your cousin Karen. I pray that God will comfort you and your family as only He can. Thanks for always being such an encouragement to me!
Thank you for sharing your heart!
Thank you. Robin Williams’ death shook me more than I expected. I stood on a snowy street 13 or 14 years ago hoping a car would come and end my misery. I’ve been bullied in school, I was the “fat” girl, they called me names, they avoided me. Three weeks ago I went to seek help. And I got it. I will be going away to a clinic. And while it sounds scary, it is an opportunity to make life better.
I am so glad you found help when in need. And I am happy that you did not go through with your plan. The world is richer because of your presence. All the best for you and everybody dealing with depression or with the loss of loved ones.
And to quote RW (good will hunting) know that “it’s not your fault”.
Thank you so much for you’re encouragement Andrea! I am so sorry that you were bullied but I am really glad that you are getting help to overcome those scars. I pray that God will overwhelm you with His deep personal love for you and heal all of those wounds. You were created for a purpose!
Beautifully said, I’ve always felt God is the one and only cure for depression.
So brave of you to share. So glad you are with us.
Thank you Maria.
I rarely comment- but THIS. You are brave for your vulnerability & I thank you. Depression is hard. HARD. and people say DUMB things. My husband and I are very grieved over his death as well for all te reasons you listed. He was brilliant. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m thankful you’re here to write about it. Especially for your husband and kids. You are brave.
Thanks so much Alicia.It was a little scary but I felt that it needed to be said. Thanks for taking the time to comment. 🙂
Sept. 10 of this year will mark my brothers death anniversary by suicide. I could(And someday may) write a book about all it involves, the person, the survivors, the emotions, the aftermath… The sheer devastating loss. Thank you for this blog, peace and blessings always.
I am so sorry Lauri. I pray that God will give you peace and comfort you as only He can.
Thank you for this post. and that it’s not a lecture! It’s shared with love and vulnerability.
I really struggle sometimes and while I don’t ever consider suicide, it hits a cord with me when I hear about others suffering bc I know how deep it can get. My sister sent me this post http://www.honestparenthood.com/discipline-depression/?utm_content=buffera9328&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer
and it has been so good for me. I’m keeping it in my inbox as a reminder that I should make an appointment to see someone. I’m overwhelmed at the task of finding a new counselor/therapist. But that post from July and now Robin… I’m so glad people are talking about depression and that it’s overcoming the stigma that it’s had. It does not mean you’re weak. It means you’re normal! We see doctors for all of our physical problems and prevention. Why not our mental ones?
I am so happy for you to have pulled through those dark days. I know I’m loved by my Creator. Nothing is too big for Him. I praise God for my hope!
Thank you for the encouragement in your post. I know many others will be blessed by it as well!
I am definitely not lecturing anyone! Women who struggle with depression do not need any more burdens placed on them. I am sorry that you are struggling Kristine but I am so glad that you are getting help. It is really difficult to take that first step, but so important. I pray that God will comfort you and give you hope.
Thank you!!
You are so welcome Kristine. 🙂
Thanks for sharing something so incredibly personal. I pray it gives someone hope.
Thanks Kendra – me too.
Thank you for speaking openly about this. I have actually never heard the thoughts of someone who chose not to leave, and for that I am grateful. My father committed suicide 10 years ago..his personality was much the same as Robin Williams. You spend years wondering what you could have done different, how you could let someone so important in your life down. Thank you again for your honesty and insight on what my dad might have been feeling. Surviving a suicide is hard, it is a grief that doesn’t really ever become easier, it changes the lives of everyone because not only is that person gone but there is no closure due to the fact you didn’t get that last moment to help. I am so glad your family has you and that you found the strength to get through that moment.
Thank you for sharing!
I am so sorry that your father killed himself Julie. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. I do hope that sharing our stories will help someone to choose life.
Absolutely! And that there is no shame in being depressed. Suicide is rarely talked about. It is a painful secret that people carry with them. If the person who gives into that moment could see the aftermath..the pain..the guilt. It’s ironic that the survivors almost have to go through the same depression to overcome the grief. It’s funny, I have always liked your blog, today I love it. Thanks again for sharing, today you didn’t just write about something..you wrote to someone and I think God had something to do with that also:)
“today you didn’t just write about something..you wrote to someone and I think God had something to do with that also:)”- Thank you so much for that Julie. I am humbled and grateful to be used that way.