I received this comment from a reader this week on my first Living On Less Than $28,000 A Year post:
Reader Comment:
Funny, not one male comment or bad comment. Out of all of them, I count four women that actually work (three cause there isn’t a man, one is a single mother of…three..?) I see a d*** pattern here, you are capable of working and don’t and use your amount of kids as a d*** excuse.
Your husbands must be ready to put a gun in their mouths cause no matter how hard they try to move forward you keep dragging them backwards and use the kids as an excuse and “cutting back” as a solution, I for one know what that means… The man gets crap to eat, gets to see none of his paycheck, has nothing of his own, gets stupid s*** like regifted ties or “crafty” things for gifts on any holiday while the wives have nice outfits and a closet full of shoes (they have no real place to wear much less wear) and the kids have an Xbox and the newest Nike shoes… It’s great being a man in this world (and we are the ones that are called names.)
I thought about his comment for a little while and then replied.
My Response:
Hi L.! I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience. It is definitely wrong for a woman to use a man to work to pay for expensive items she and her children want while never paying attention to her husband, or making sure that his needs are met.
As for our house, the decisions about what we do with our money are made mutually. There are times when my husband makes a sacrifice, but he does it because he wants to for the sake of the children or for me. We each have a little “free” money that we can spend however we want. It may not be much but it’s ours to do with as we wish. We also make sure that his needs and some of his wants are met.
I don’t know you, but it sounds like your household was out of order with your wife making a lot of decisions without considering what you wanted or needed. I am sincerely compassionate toward you and your situation and wish that things had gone differently for you. For anyone else reading this comment, I hope that you know that all of your financial decisions should be made together as a couple and you should always make sure to consider what each partner needs.
I would love to know what you think. I would especially love for some husbands to chime in here about how they really feel about living on a budget and whether or not this has been their experience. And for the wives, is this how things go at your house?
Leave a comment. 🙂
I welcome all comments, but please remember to be courteous in expressing your opinion. Thanks!
My wife and I had no budget the first couple years of marriage. As such, it caused a lot of unnecessary stress and financial issues that reverberated for years later. We have done quite a bit of research and have learned to live within the means that God has provided. Our decisions for our finances are made together and I do not feel hemmed in by sticking to that budget – it is actually very liberating to know where our finances go and how much we have to spend on ourselves, as little as that may be at times. Our children have learned as well that we don’t have the money to buy them the things that they want all the time – we try to provide nice things, but our lives and finances do not revolve around their immediate wants and the latest toys. So, from a husband’s perspective, having a budget, even a strict one, has proven to be nothing but a blessing and has actually strengthened our marriage.
Thank you so much for taking the time to give us your perspective as a husband. It’s good to know that there are men out there who are thriving on a budget!
I am a woman and work part time. I have two teenaged daughters and when they were little I was a stay at home mom. When they were babies I first went to work full-time. After having several incidents with daycare providers, my husband and I decided TOGETHER that I should stay home with our girls.
Life actually got better for both of us. Evenings were more relaxed. When my husband got home for dinner, there was a hot, healthy, homemade meal on the table waiting for him. The laundry was done, put away, the house was clean, all the chores done so that we could have a nice no-stress (as little stress as possible with two little ones) evening. Sex was even better because we were both less tired.
I have never worn designer clothing or shoes, not even now, when my husband makes a very good living for our family. I do, however, make myself look presentable by working out, keeping my hair done (I color it myself and go to Great Clips for the cuts). I also do my own nails.
My children do not wear designer clothing or shoes (except one daughter who does wear Nikes and that’s because she has wide, flat feet that are hard to fit.) and any expensive gadgets they have were gifts from my in-laws or my husband as he is the electronics junkie in our home and he enjoys buying those kinds of things for us.
Anything that is done in our home is done as a TEAM. We all pitch in with chores such as mowing, yard-work, shoveling, laundry, cleaning, cooking,etc. Financial decisions are made by both my husband and I and each week we go over our budget, pay bills and make decisions for upcoming purchases.
I would never want my husband to feel he comes in second to anyone or anything. I cherish my husband and would certainly consider working full-time if it should become necessary and my husband needed help. (In fact, I will be working full-time when my girls go off to college).
Marriages are a partnership and it sounds like there was more going on in this man’s marriage than some cutting back!
Women should be at home nurturing the kids when that is possible. It is not ideal for a woman to work, but it must be done in times of financial duress. Kimberlee and her husband (and countless other moms and dads) are doing their part to make it possible for mothers to stay at home with the children. A family is a team; no one gets more or less than anyone else, you share everything. Time spent trying to improve the lives of those we love will be more rewarding then time spent focusing on thoughts of entitlement. Directing anger outwardly through the use of violent language and general negativity isn’t going to endear anyone to the person employing this tactic.
As a husband and father who lives on a budget with my family, I don’t personally identify with this man’s rant. It seems his situation was not one based on mutual decision making concerning the family budget and he obviously felt his needs/wants weren’t met and perhaps were the first to go in the process of deciding what had to be cut in order to make the budget work. In our family, it is true that at times it becomes a question of who’s needs/wants get met for that particular pay period and I don’t feel looked over if it’s my needs/wants that get moved lower on the priority list. These decisions have to be made based on what’s best for the whole family and not my personal needs/wants.
It has been true for me that misunderstandings and/or hard feeling can stem from feeling like I haven’t been heard or feeling like my needs/wants aren’t valued, but this can be resolved by communicating clearly with my wife about how I’m feeling.
Thank you so much for giving us a man’s perspective Brian. My readers and I appreciate hearing from you. 🙂 And good for you for communicating well with your wife!
I’m not quite sure why so many people feel sorry for him. It is his choice to remain in a relationship where he is being treated so unfairly, so he claims. I believe it is his fault that he hasn’t done anything to change the situation. Yes, if you sit around and let things happen, they will! And if he did speak to his “partner” about how he feels and she disagreed or didn’t do anything to change, then he should have ended the relationship. Or he should have decided it was worth it to stick with her, knowing she will not change, and quit complaining. He is not trapped. So if everything he said was the truth, then it’s silly for him to stick around and take the abuse.
You have obviously made quite an impact on many people. Your comments are all so great. You have made an impact on me, that is for sure.
We have a 2 income family, but I still use your site for many, many things. I agree with him that the man shouldn’t have to get the ‘scraps’ when the woman has everything she desires, but I don’t know of a single post that you have written to give him the idea that you promote such a thing. I AM sad for him!
I also commend you for your response! You are a Godly woman! You have proven that!
<3 to you and your family! Thank you for opening your lives to us and sharing tips to become better people.
Thanks so much for your encouragement Krista! 🙂
I can’t for the life of me figure out why this guy was reading your blog. I wonder if he wife even knows how he feels? Some people would rather be martyrs. I am a single person with a job. Not everything here applies to me but I take what I can use and leave the rest. I was not a stay at home mom when my three kids were growing up but I completely respect those that choose that path. That is the beauty of being a woman today. We have choices. I think your blog is great Kimberlee. Keep up the good work.
Debbie, “take what I can use and leave the rest.” This is the part some people have trouble with. I learn so much form this and other blogs I read. Some just doesn’t fit for us. I hate school and could never teach it. I’m pretty useless with the boys homework so homeschooling would be a disaster for me. We have great public schools so I’m lucky. I admire people that do it at home and succeed.
Wow…that’s about all I have to say to that guy’s comment. My husband and I are currently going through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University, which requires a LOT of changes on our money handling, but even in all of that change, not one time did we ever consider making a decision without each other.
Not only that, but I can’t imagine a situation where a guy’s paycheck is “gone” without him “seeing” it. I’m pretty sure if that paycheck goes toward mortgage or rent, he is “seeing” a roof over his children’s head.
As far as dinners go, my husband faithfully requests hamburger helper (which I don’t even like much)…just goes to show that not every man thinks he needs a KC strip and a new suit to feel like a man!
I hope that guy can get his life straightened out…it makes me sad to see people who are so unhappy with themselves.
By the way – I LOVE your posts and your website.
my husband laughed, then said for some it could be the truth, but not around here. Yes I am apreciated for my budgeting ways because we both like to travel & vacation:) thanks for all you do & share:)
Well I checked with my husband and told you’d I’d update you. He said the poor guy must have been used as a door mat and not have had a loving devote wife (like you and me) who looks out for the whole family.
I’m glad your hubby appreciates you!
It is a shame that this man is so unhappy in his own life and obviously jealous of your happy household, that he is trying to drag you down. He needs to learn that you don’t find happiness in things..
Wow! I too feel for this man. I would like to offer another thought. We have 5 living children. I have been a stay at home-homeschooling mom to our children for almost 14 years. I have often worked part-time jobs when it has been convenient for our family. My husband and I CHOSE this lifestyle. He likes coming home to hot homecooked food and a clean house. He likes that I have sacrificed a career so that our children have a safe place to be educated and pursue their own interests. Am I perfect? NO!!!!!! Is his world always “Leave it to Beaver?” NO!!! Would he change it? NO!!!!!! Honestly, he has more shoes and clothes than I do. And they are of much better quality as well. He goes out to eat for lunch and dinner meetings while I eat leftovers with the children day in and day out. He spends money on his own desires. I work a part time job on the weekends to pay for homeschooling needs and occasionally get to take my children to Taco Bell. Would I trade anything? NO!!!!!! I have the joy and pleasure of being a part of my children’s lives. Would I ever dream of asking my husband to buy me clothes/shoes/jewelry I don’t need? NO!!!!! This is our choice. Our life. My husband does not feel shafted nor do I. Would it be nice to have 2 incomes? Yep but then I’d barely see my children after school while I shove dinner down their throats as we do homework before we shuffle off to basketball practice. Other women make it work. That’s fabulous for them. I applaude them. They have better clothes, more jewlery, and “Girls Night Out” complete with weekends away. But this is MY choice.
I’m truly sorry that you got shafted by an inconsiderate woman who cared not for your desires. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive her. I hope you realize that not all women are this way and that not all men feel as you do.
Again, my apologies that you’ve had a bad experience. I hope you can see that a true marriage and real partnership takes into account the needs and desires of all parties and compromises take place on all sides.
“better clothes, more jewlery, and “Girls Night Out” complete with weekends away.” How did I miss this part of my employment? he he he. Better clothes- only if you count new work shoes every year. I own 3 pair of pants good enough to be seen in public besides work uniforms. I don’t buy uniforms because a nurse who retired gave me a yard trash bag full. Most with tags. Enough to cover me through retirement in 15 years. Jewelery – a cheap watch with a second hand once a year. Girls night out – only if making pasties, christmas cookies, and canning with my mom and sister counts. I’m pretty low maintenance.
I would love to be part of the work force! But I am pregnant with our first child and my husband wants me to stay home. I’ve even come up with some jobs where I can take my son with me! But he still doesn’t like the idea of me working when we have small children (I think it’s cause he’s a germaphobe and he doesn’t want our kids around other kids, lol). So, we are on a tight budget and to make it even more fun he has some serious food allergies that make groceries more expensive! Even though staying at home is driving me nuts it makes him happy and I think that’s what really matters cause seeing him happy makes me happy. 🙂
I think once you have your child, you will be happy that you don’t have to work. 🙂
Maybe there is something you can do from home such as in-home childcare, tutoring highschool students after school, selling things on ebay or some other online business. If money isn’t the issue, maybe you can find or start a mom’s group where you get together for play time with the kids and talk time with the other moms. Adult conversation is a must. 🙂
My boyfriend and I live together for a year and a half. Currently, we put the “house money” on a pile at the begining of the month and the rest of our income stays on our own accounts and we can spend it the way we want. Probably, these things will change once when we get married and get kids, but when we started living together, having one account and controling how much money he spent on a video game or me for a jacket was a bit too stressy. I think we are being super cautious, because we end up with the same saving every month anyway.
Currently, I am a PhD student, I love my job and I went to school for so long that I can’t immagine giving all up and staying home. There is a chance that my priorities will change once we get kids, but still, my mom had a full time job all of her life and I never felt left out or less loved. But every family is different and I am sure that in some cases it works better that way.
As I have stated before Jelena, you should do what works best for your family, but you may find that once you have children you want to stay home with them. If not, it sounds like you have a great career. Good for you!
My husband was raised to believe love is shown by how much stuff you give and recieve. We are still working on those views but he realises we need shelter and food much more. I take care of all the bills and finances while he brings in the money. We decide together on how any extra money is spent other than a small ($20) weekly allowance. I rarely spend my extra money while my husband never has any left by the end of the week.
I don’t know what happened to hurt that man so much but that situation is definitly not the norm. Hopefully he can get out of a bad situation, if he hasn’t already, and change his outlook for the better.
I know sometimes my husband isn’t thrilled with how fast his “fun money” disappears, or that we are eating a veggie frittata for dinner, but he also thanks me over and over for the way i budget, because that’s why I can stay home and we don’t have to worry about how to pay for groceries because we spent too much on frivolous items. He knows I sacrifice the “stuff” just as much as he does, but all of our needs are met and even a good amount of our wants. In the short term it’s not always fun (like tonight when I REALLY want sushi for dinner but we don’t have enough in our eating out budget, so I’m cooking instead) for him or me, but the long term benefits are SO worth it!
Hi there! I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and love all the money saving tips, recipes, and joy for life that you share! Regarding your question about husbands on a budget…
When my husband and I were first married he was in a mindset of buying the latest technology, media entertainment, or eating out a LOT! I am a total 180-barely spending any excess money and saving the rest or putting it toward loans. Once we physically wrote down how much we owed and he saw how exciting it was (and amazing it felt) to pay off loans and crawl out of debt he gave up a lot of his spending. I never complained or told him what to do but now he can be more frugal than me! He loves the budget and what it means for us both. And, he taught me to lighten up a little bit and enjoy a dinner out or movie very once in awhile without the guilt of spending money 🙂
You’re doing a wonderful thing! Keep it up!
Thanks Rae!
Psycho. lol!! Sounds like a blog stalker.. haha! I think it’s ignorant and stems from jealousy personally. Hurt people tend to hurt other people, and unfortunately, you too are a “chosen one”. 🙁
My husband wishes we had a tighter budget! He wouldn’t have to work so much and so hard to keep up with everything we have going right now. He works 2 full time jobs and we have 3 very active kids (hence job 2). If we could do everything just on one or two jobs combined (instead of the 3 jobs between us) then he would LOVE it!
I was saddened by this comment, as I see others were as well. To me, this sounds a lot like my husband’s first marriage. He and his wife never discussed her staying home. In fact, she was supposed to be working, but every job she had she could only hold onto for a couple weeks at a time and eventually my husband gave up trying to encourage her.
We are friendly with her now, but she still does not work (her boyfriend does) and I think it’s something my husband is glad he’s not having to deal with anymore.
On the other hand, I worked since I was 16. I quit when I was 27 to stay home and raise my stepsons and finish out my first (and last) pregnancy. Now we have four boys, I stay home, we home school, and we live on a budget.
I am always sure to pick up something special for my husband when I can. Be it a book he wanted, some fishing gear he needed, or something he wants for the house. We all shop at discount clothing stores and everyone gets treated the same in this house. My husband is very much the head of the household and I tell him nearly every day how appreciative I am of how hard he works to support all of us.
It’s sad to me that this man was in such a bad relationship at one time that he now has become someone you might dub a “typical woman hater”. The thing is, none of us has to be “typical”. We can all correct our behavior and our lives to be happier and better people.
I pray this man finds a way to do that before his attitude destroys him.
At the heart of it, this guy is bitter. I believe that he is also resentful of his wife and children as he seems to place emphasis on what material possessions they have and that he hasn’t.
There is obviously more to his story than he is letting on and I fear that his relationship with his family is already torn or well on its way.
I can’t say anymore than what has already been said in previous comments. He needs a serious reevaluation of his own relationship before he makes any more demands of it or continues to chastise others for having what he lacks at home.
I think he’s just a troll and I wouldn’t have responded to his comment at all, much less given him an entire post. However, your response was compassionate and right on target. I have no problem with people who challenge me or have genuine questions/concerns about what I write and express it tastefully but, if you insult me, I don’t engage you. And, FWIW, my husband rolled his eyes at that guy’s comment.
Well, I debated about posting it, but it brought up some interesting questions for me and I guess I enjoy a little heated discussion every now and then. 🙂
I like your blog very much. You are organized, thoughtful and funny. It’s a pleasure to have you as a resource.
Thanks Carrie!
When we moved an hour away from my job and decided to start trying to start a family, I left my job. In doing so, we both knew that sacrifices would have to be made in order for it to work. Some months/weeks are leaner than others. We make sure our daughter has the things she needs first and foremost. My husband comes second with his needs (clothing, shoes, haircuts, etc.) since he’s the one that has to look presentable at his workplace. My needs come last and it’s something that I am okay with. That’s the sacrifice I made in order to be home with our daughter rather than pay for childcare while I work. This is something we planned and discussed prior to starting our family. It’s a shame the person that left the comment in question didn’t communicate with his partner before starting a family.
I really feel for this guy, I’ve seen people in relationships like that and it’s a very toxic situation.
In my home it’s my husband that spend most of the “fun money”, not because he’s selfish but because we all have different needs and wants and the things that matter most to him cost more than the things that really matter to me. While he has a nice golf club set, I make my own jewelry and sew; while he wanted a big HD TV and PS3, I prefer to read a book.
Our financial decisions are made together but because we are different we don’t worry about everything coming out even with spending, only that we both make a priority of both saving and being able to buy things that really matter to us. I don’t feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick and my husband actually offered to get a second job rather than me getting work when things got tight for a little while because having me home while our children are so young is really important to him. We were able to cut out some expenses so that he didn’t need to but I was very grateful that he offered when he knows that I’m always willing to do what is needed to take care of our family.
Wow. I completely understand his position, but I do not understand how it pertains to you or this blog! It seems to me that you are on a budget in order to benefit your children and husband’s lives. If the commenter’s wife was putting all her and their kid’s needs 1st and leaving her husband with “scraps”, I could understand his aggravation and anger. On the other hand, not EVERY woman sacrifices food money for the benefit of the newest game system or name brand shoes. (Target clearance is what I love!) My husband likes the fact that I stay at home with our child, I also homeschool. I don’t ever buy non-sale clothing for myself or my kid. We love to SAVE our money for things we could all enjoy. We saved enough for a bigger TV (3D!) for our Christmas present and paid in cash – we could do this because we don’t blow our money on other things and we BOTH agree to a strict budget. We each take out a small amount of money each month for whatever we want – no questions asked. Every time he gets paid, I make the budget and then discuss the amounts with him – making sure if there is something HE needs/wants to buy that we budget it in because adding money to savings. If your wife/partner decides 100% on how the finances are spent, then something might be wrong with the relationship – not the idea of budgeting moms! =)
You and I have the same idea: Save on what is unimportant so you can spend on what is. What is important will be different for each person, but just like you said, if you discuss everything with your spouse, there should not be any problems.
My husband and I discuss our financial situation and purchases made so there is no way that he feels I am taking anything from him, or forcing him to live a certain way. I know that because he is 50% of the decision making. We share all of our accounts so we have total transparency in what we spend. If anything he gets extra spending money since he works in sales management and has to take clients out to lunch, etc. I never get to eat out! 🙂 He helps around the house though so I am happy to let him have a little more discretionary spending. It’s all about the terms you agree on in your own family.
This definitely appears to be a projection thing. Also, I can be a suspicious person at times, but why was he on your site to begin with if he doesn’t like your lifestyle and ideas? I think there are people who sit at home and go to sites to purposely incite arguments and spread negativity (trolls I think they are called). If he is being sincere, he is speaking for your husband and other men without asking their opinions first. So at the least he is making assumptions that he is not qualified to make.
I love your blog and the amazing tips I get here! Thank you so much for sharing your expertise and for being authentic. You are inspiring and have helped me so much! My husband has been ecstatic with the results of my saving and organizing. I’ve found many of my new tricks here 🙂 So thank you! And my husband thanks you too!
Woohoo! I am so glad you have found some help and encouragement here Karen. 🙂
I am recent college graduate and I love your advice! This site gives me healthy living support and instructions even my mother can not provide. You have articles about keeping a “mind dump” journal and making lists. Not everything revolves around money! You have said that you, your kids, and your husband agree on this lifestyle.
Maybe you get a lot of comments from women because you reminds us of maternal instincts and you’re reputable to us. I love feeling like I am a part of a support network for women on this site! We need each other as much as we need to be in loving relationships with men or women.
Why does he think owning an x box and lots of shows means you’re broke and in a bad relationship?? My boyfriend uses the x box more than I use it. And he loves to see me priss around in sexy stilettos. In fact, my man asks me to advise him on saving money and he reads articles on this site!! True story! He even talks about going to the grocery store with your list!!
I love this site! You are inspirational!
Brook
Thanks Brook! I think there are a few other men out there who “secretly” read the blog. 🙂
Well I’m not a stay-at-home mom, but a divorced working parent of 5. I can understand how this man could be so bitter, but I’ve seen this situation in reverse…the wife stays home and scrimps every penny, while the husband (because he earns the money) can spend whatever he wants. I’ve also seen both parents spend on themselves, have the nicest clothes and their children looking like little beggars. I don’t think it is fair to judge stay-at home moms because of his own experiences.
It’s a shame that people view being a stay at home mom in such a negative manor! I have a college degree and had a great career and my husband urged me to use my talents as a mom and stay at home rather than stay in the work force! Being a stay at home mom isn’t for everyone. Being frugal isnt for everyone. Since I have been a stay at home mom we save money on groceries because I have the time to cook from scratch. We eat better than ever! However, a comment like this just shows how naive this man was about this topic and your blog! I agree with Allison that its a shame this man didn’t communicate with his partner before starting a family. I enjoy reading your blog and using your tips in our household!
Thanks Hollie!
Carrie, Well said. We’ve all seen this situation too.
To me this man just sounds just plain ungrateful. What kind of man demands expensive gifts when his children have made something for him, or when his wife has used her talents to craft something for him? And he also sounds supremely selfish. Who would place material things over having their children home with their mother instead of being raised in daycare or by a public school system that doesn’t really even care about them as people? I understand when those situations can’t be avoided, but if they can with a little sacrifice, why not? You other commenters are being way more understanding and generous with this man than I feel. Granted, he may have experienced the circumstances he describes, and if so, it is unfair. But you have all hit the nail on the head when you talk about a husband and wife making decisions together. He’s become bitter about stay-at-home moms and the sacrifices required for a family to make that happen rather than trying to partner with his wife for the good of their family.
I think your response was one of compassion and understanding – Something this person may not experience in their own life. Anger is often covering up a deep hurt and that is what I read in the original comment. I have felt somewhat resentful in the past as I sacrifice alot of personal wants to stay home with my kids. My husband works to support our family. He sometimes has lunch out with business clients or must buy new clothes to maintain a professional look. A few years ago, I realized sacrificing clothes or a haircut was my decision-my husband never placed these demands on me. I needed to change my heart. I let go of alot of resentment and chose to love my situation and the often intangible blessings it provides. We are all alot happier because I made a change. I might add that my husband has always been encouraging and this makes a great difference.
First of all, I’m going to ask my husband to read this as soon as he gets home this evening (er, well after bedtime and things have settled down). I agree with your response, as well as all of the comments here. I think though, for me, the part that was the most bothersome (on a basic fleshly level) is the part that I am staying home because I have so many kids. Myself AND MY HUSBAND chose to have 4 children. Last time I checked, he’s the one who put each one there. Each one was a mutual decision (to try at least) and neither of us pushed it on the other. So together we have 4 children and together we decided that a year ago, I would quit my part time job to stay home. (not to mention that the cost of childcare for 4 small children would completely negate the income from a full time job in the first place) We are a partnership with him as the head. All of our financial decisions are made together and with respect for each other. Yes, he sacrifices for me to stay home: as do I and our children. Our kids don’t know any different though so…
and on a side note, I have to say that with one income (my part time job was 10 hrs a week) we have paid OFF nearly $30,000 in CC debt in 4 years. We will make the last 2 payments this month!! Without budgeting and living frugally and sacrificing, we would not be nearly debt free now.
At first, my hackles rose and blood pressure went up. But as others have said, after a while I felt bad because I realized how hard that would be to be in a marriage like that. If it was me, it wouldn’t take long to start feeling bitterness.
Way to go Julie! Paying off that much debt on one income is impressive!
Both my husband and I work. I stayed at home for a year after each of my kids were born, but decided to return to work for a few reasons:
1) I love my job. I’m a high school math teacher and love working with kids.
2) I was not a great stay-at-home mom. I loved being home that first year, but after that, I was a better person for my kids when I went back to work.
3) I still get the summers off so I feel that I have a really good balance between time with my kids and time at my job.
4) I like the security it provides. My husband makes more than I do, but if he were to lose his job, we would still have some sort of income. Plus, I could get health insurance at a better rate than a COBRA plan.
Even though we both work, we still worry about money (who doesn’t?). We both make sacrifices to pay off student loans, put money away towards retirement and college funds and try to get our house paid off in 15 years.
I found your blog on Pinterest when looking for money saving tips. So, to reply to this man, there are plenty of dual income families trying to save money and make ends meet. It may be a little easier for us, but the pressure is still there.
I am currently taking Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University class and one of the very first thing that he talks about is making decisions mutually. My husband and I were pretty good at it, but there is always room for improvement. Perhaps this gentleman should look into the class.
I am so glad that you commented Tina. One of my main messages is that families should decide together what works best for them and then do it. I love that you figured out that teaching was what you wanted to do and what helped your family the most. Good for you! And thanks for adding the perspective of a frugal working woman. 🙂
I guess this guy is more an experience of who you choose to spend your life with can definitely have a detrimental effect. My husband has a passion for his work (it isn’t a job that makes a lot of money) so we sacrifice accordingly so he can fulfill his goals and he goes to school on top of it all. We have a child with special needs that requires lots of times someone has to take him to therapy so I do not work. We sacrifice and my husband is the one who gets new clothes and new shoes (because he works), I only get those types of things for my Bday or Christmas when I ask and even then I don’t ask because they aren’t wants of mine lol! I think if you had the kind of relationship this guy describes it would be hard to take for the husband but so many people who live this life don’t have the life this guy describes so his lack of information on his audience is bordering on absurd.
Another wife, and I find it funny, because my husband is actually the one who is upset that I may have to go back to work.
To the writer.. I know there can be a lot of resentment, especially if it does feeel like the wife is spending all the money on her stuff. If that is happpening in your life, I am sorry. That is a discussion you need to have. In our marriage, and in the marriages of my friends where the wife stays home, that is simply not true. Personally, we all do without sometimes and other timeswe all get a little spoiled. But that’s something my husband and I decide together.
For example my birthday was this month. I gave him a budget and let him go with it. He bought me a wonderful gift. It turned out that on my birthday, Supercross (my husband’s favorite sport) was going to be in our city. We went, even though it is not my favorite thing. Why? Because it is something he enjoys and he should not miss out on his one chance just because it lands on my birthday.
Relationships, I found, are give and take. If I just take, it does not work, but neither if I just give.
It sounds to me as if you feel like you are on the giving end without being on the receiving end. If you are married (you never state) then I suggest talking to your wife. She probably does not know you feel this way. Most women, that I have met, are interested in making the man in their life happy, not miserable. Show her how you feel and see if things change
I am only working part time since losing my full time job almost 2 years ago. When we saw that any job I was getting offered would basically be enough to cover childcare, we decided it would be better if I could be home days and tutor in the evenings. This way we didn’t have to pay someone for childcare. It also helps a lot that I am home to deal with all of the doctor appointments and therapies that our special needs daughter requires. While we still have our moments of stress over money, I feel much more peaceful and productive than when I was working all day every day outside the home. I feel sorry for this man who made the comment. I don’t take my husband for granted, nor am I expecting him to provide me with a lavish lifestyle while he has nothing. It’s a give and take. I hope that this man is able to find the kind of peace we have in our marriage.
I started a challenge a few months ago to save money on groceries/restaurants. I started using leftovers more. I have continually asked my husband if it bothers him. I want to make sure that he isn’t feeling like he works hard for his money and he wants more out of our food selection. I am a stay at home mom which is a decision we made together. Our kids benefit and grow up to be better well rounded individuals. I am around more to guide their behavior rather than throw them in daycare so that I can get a job too. I think the key to a budget household is to communicate. Do not make it one sided where one person has to go without while the others get to buy anything they want.
Kimberlee, don’t let his comment discourage you. Your husband and you know what is best for your family. He obviously is speaking about his own situation and not your own. We can never please everyone and there will always be those who write nasty comments just to see the reaction they will get. Kudos to you for your courteous response to him.
Kelly, I find the “Throw them in daycare” a bit harsh. No option to stay home here as I am the bread winner and insurance carrier. Husband doesn’t want to stay home and it would not be good for him to stay home when he wants to work. Daycare was necessary. There are good ones and I found a great home one. When I came to pick up the baby and he was snuggled into the chair sleeping with her husband I knew I was doing the best I could if it couldn’t be us. I always worked nights for minimal day care. I think it is wonderful for those of you that can work it out to stay home, but we have to have insurance (Health issues.) Unfortunately my husband has never had a job with it offered or one with wages more than minimum. (I am an RN.)
Hi Sheila! Thanks for taking the time to comment. That’s sweet that your baby is in a good situation with loving caregivers. There were times in the past when I had to work outside the home and it was difficult to leave my children in someone else’s care, but I trusted God that He knew my situation and that He looks out for my children when I can’t be there. It’s great that you have the training to work a good job.
Thanks for your encouragement Kelly. I really try not to take anything personally when the person doesn’t know me. 🙂
Wow–I sincerely hope that whomever that man is grows up a significant amount before he even tries a relationship again. Otherwise I see divorce in his future. We have 4 kids–when they were young I stayed home with them and continued to run my own business (prior to our marriage I not only worked for the state but ran my own business-after I ran my business) because daycare simply did not make any sense monetarily. After my kids were all in school I went back to working for the state but recently quit because it took too much time from my family and the pay off wasn’t worth it–my DH was so stressed trying to help with half of everything that it takes to run a home. It has turned out to be a great decision. We make our decisions together–our budget for our food is less than what the people on welfare receive in our state but I grow a huge garden (which I take to the farmer’s market) and we eat what we grow and stick to our budget. Our kids need nothing–my DH needs nothing–I need nothing. We do save until we have the cash to purchase extras (like the new camera for DD who just had her one photo published in National Geographic–she’s 14) , we purchase most everything on sale and yes, I coupon a ton.My kids have learned great financial routines and the oldest is going to college and we pay nothing for it–all scholarships,etc pay. She did that–she went after those scholarships, she keeps an A/B average plus doing the volunteer hours to stay in the Honors Program–she learned that responsibility from our family budget. Sticking to it, saving for later–it pays off.
This guy has a huge chip on his shoulder and sadly doesn’t really get the big picture. My kids are happy, healthy and well balanced. A new phone isn’t their main focus in life–doing the right thing, making a difference and being happy is–period. They don’t sneak out of the house, party, drugs,etc but they do participate in meal planning, making laundry detergent (my daughter did her science fair project on this and is now going to State with her project plus got invited to enter it into another competition), the garden and more–our life is about doing this together. It is about doing the work and then enjoying our downtime/holiday together. Knowing we earned it. It is not about who has the most of this, that or the other thing, It is not about one person does more chores than the other. It is about all of us pitching in and helping each other because that is what a family is. It is about doing your best every day. My daughter and Hubby were thrilled I found the one photography magazine on sale for 3.39 when it is regularly 40ish for a year’s subscript–they never would have splurged on it at regular price but because we coupon together ,etc they can afford nice cameras and now have a mag. to go with it. I don’t think that is putting my DH or anyone else down in any way–just the opposite. It is lifting up someone–thinking of them. I won’t be particularly nice here but honestly–I sincerely hope this guy doesn’t reproduce. No woman deserves to try to be super woman (mom and work) with someone who thinks she should be serving him daily while doing everything else. It is all about him-and that is most certainly NOT what a family is about.
At first I took offense to his bitter rant; however, then I questioned myself, and my own motives. My husband and I are rasing our 3 grandsons (for the last 9 years), and yes, they want all the “stuff” that kids want. I want to give it to them, but realize it wouldn’t be good for them to get everything they ever wanted. What I tell them is, we give you everything that you need, and some of what you want. My Mr. and I have been married close to 30 years, and I would hate for him to have the same bitter feelings as this writer. It is easy to understand how this man has become so bitter. And, I sincerely hope he will find someone that loves him for who he is; not what he has.
See, the thing is that marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Decisions about everything, including money, are supposed to be made in tandem. If the reader has observed in someone else’s marriage that the wife gets nice outfits while the husband gets things he wouldn’t like for gifts, well, that’s none of his business.
If he’s talking about his own marriage, has he tried simply sitting down and calmly talking with his wife and saying, “Honey, it hurts me when you buy nice things for yourself and the kids and give me re-gifted ties. Can we cut back a bit for everyone to have more equitable gifts?”
Another traditional tactic to avoid feeling punished by a budget is to be the one to manage the money yourself, and dole out an allowance to your spouse for groceries and gifts. I find that a bit weird and tension-inducing, but it works for some folks.
As for my own situation, my HUSBAND was the one to ask me to stay home. I could be making a nice salary, but he prefers the benefits we get from having me home with our kids, homeschooling, gardening, and making our place truly ours. He’s man enough to never complain about the budget we live within. In fact, he is proud of how hard I work to save the money he earns.
But really, sir, I don’t think you commented here because you want help resolving your situation. I think you’re angry. You need to decide what, exactly, you’re angry about, and whether you need to do something to address it besides leaving blog comments. For the record, I like men. Most of the men I know are doing their best to be excellent husbands and fathers. But that requires them to act like men instead of teenage boys–face up to issues, have difficult conversations without blowing up at their wives, work hard, and accept that parents and spouses have to make sacrifices that they wouldn’t have to make if they were single. It’s called being a grownup.
Raven – Well said.
I think there are deeper issues here than we can fix. If he is truly being taken advantage of as his post sounds like then he needs a marriage counselor if he and his wife are not willing to sit down and work things out.
Hey, you are such a compassionate person! I just wanted to say that first off.
In our house, well our family – as we are currently living in two houses, we have a very tight budget. My husband sacrifices, but so do I. I totally agree that a man should (especially one who is the only working parent in the home) should not have to make all the sacrifices! If the wife has new clothes all the time and the kids are getting all the latest stuff and the husband is the one who’s sacrificing what HE wants to be able to provide this lifestyle for his family, it had better be only because he really WANTS that!
If money is tight and a strict budget is needed, then all individuals should be selfless enough to sacrifice what they want for the needs of the family.
Call me old fashioned, but I firmly believe that the man is head of the house and his word is final, (as long as be is using his position with love and true compassion toward his family, there is no reason this should be otherwise.) I believe a healthy relationship is one that is open, and that the wife and husband make ALL decisions TOGETHER with understanding and a willingness to compromise. That children deserve some things, but should be restrained in demanding the newest and best fad. That parents have a responsibility to each other first, then their children. That in a healthy (healthy! Not perfect, as none of us are perfect) family, there will be disagreements and maybe even arguments, but spouses, through love and patience, will be able to reach decisions together.
In cases where one partner is sacrificing everything they want, for the wants of the family, (wants, not needs) whether they are the working or stay at home parent, something must be done! Either one needs to speak up and make their voice heard, or maybe even counciling might be needed. In either case, the relationship isn’t a healthy one and needs some help.
Sorry for the rant, but anyways. My heart goes out to individuals in circumstances that are less than favorable. My prayers go out for you too!
I totally agree that parents should make the decisions together and that children should not receive everything they want (even if you can afford to give it to them, it’s not healthy for them in my opinion). Thanks for taking the time to comment Rebecca.
I can’t wait to read this to my husband tonight and to get his reply, I’ll keep you updated.
God bless you for taking the time to craft a thoughtful response. It would have been so easy to fire off an angry reply.
I would hope that any husband and wife would make the decisions regarding working and spending as a couple. I can see how resentment and anger would build otherwise.
While I am sure there are couples that are not considerate of each other and take advantage of things, your household seems very balanced. You and your husband chose – together – to make your family life and children’s formative years the center of your lives. You are both making the needed sacrifices to make that happen. Good for you!
Your reply says so much about the kind of person you are and the kind of kids you are raising.
Nice job.
Thanks PJ. I just really wondered if other husbands experience life in the same way.
Truthfully, the reader comment made me really sad. How frightening that it must be to be so insecure in one’s self, and their situation that they feel they must belittle someone who does well for their family and their financial situation. The lesson here is that you cannot please everyone, nor will everyone take to heart your advice and information. I hope you get the take of some husbands here. I know, for my family, my husband would be embarrassed to be lumped into that “man” group the reader is referring to.