Q: I just got done reading your Living On Less Than $28,000 A Year Series and I have a question. I am working hard to get out of debt and watch where our money goes. I created a budget for our bills, watch for sales, and use coupons, but my husband isn’t as mindful of what he spends. We have conflicts about what we want financially (he seems to want to spend everything and I want to save.)
So my question is, how do you get your partner on board completely? Talking about goals and what we need and want doesn’t seem to help and I am frustrated.
A: I am so sorry that you are frustrated.
Communication in marriage can be difficult. You are basically two very different people trying to become one and finances seem to be the most challenging area to work out.
I am not an expert, but I can tell you what has worked for us.
Build Your Relationship
Disagreements and problems can become the focus of our life, so that we forget about the good parts of our marriage and why we married our spouse in the first place.
We have found it helpful to have weekly date nights during which we avoid talking about problems and just try to have fun. Building your relationship in this way encourages unity and team work in your marriage and enables you to tackle the problems in a more cooperative way.
One date night isn’t going to solve all of your problems, but making a consistent habit of building up your spouse and enjoying fun experiences together can go a long way toward gaining his cooperation. [Click here for ideas for cheap date nights.]
Communicate Wisely
When you have a financial problem and your spouse doesn’t seem to be listening, it is tempting to talk more and more about the issue. It seems counter-intuitive, but talking less often, but more clearly about money issues can help.
In our marriage I am the more detail-oriented partner and my husband is more spontaneous. If I try to talk about the details of our finances too often my husband’s eyes glaze over (not really 🙂 ).
What works for us is for me to write everything on paper and give my husband a 10 minute update on exactly how much money we have, how much we need and where everything is going. I get his ideas and feedback and make a plan based on what we talk about. I try to do this on a weekly basis on payday and then avoid talking about the money unless we have something specific we have to discuss.
This arrangement works well for us because I am able to communicate on a regular basis about what is going on, but my husband doesn’t feel nagged to death by the details.
If you would like to start a “Money Meeting”, set a regular day and time you can both agree on (right after work isn’t a good time). During your meeting talk together about the big picture of what you want financially and then talk about the details like exactly how much money is available after paying bills for spending and saving. Decide together how you will use your money and agree to the plan. You may even want to sign it.
Consider Your Spouse’s Needs
During your money meetings you will find out quickly that your husband will have different ideas than you do. The key to making the meetings (and the budget) work is to be open to compromise. Really listen to what your husband has to say and consider ways that his needs and wants can be met, as well as yours. You may not be able to save as much as you would like, for example, but you should each have input into how the money will be allocated.
A good idea is to set aside an amount of money for each spouse to spend however they would like. Take the spending money out in cash and agree together not to use debit or credit cards for miscellaneous spending. We have also found it helpful to move all bill money and savings out of the account immediately so it doesn’t look like we have more than we really do. You can read more about our second account here.
Get Outside Help
One of the best things that we have done for our marriage and our finances is to take the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class (click here to find a class in your area). Attending the weekly class made it okay to talk about money and actually forced us to talk about it because we had homework!
It also helped to be in a group with others who also had financial issues. No one had to share specifics about their budgets, but the support of other people trying to get their financial lives in order was very encouraging.
You may also want to talk with a pastor, trusted friend or a professional counselor. You can click here to find a financial counselor in your area. (Please note that these counselors charge a fee.)
It is really difficult when our spouses are not on the same page with us, and especially with finances. There is not really a simple answer, but by implementing some of the suggestions above hopefully your situation can improve.
What suggestions do you have for this reader? Leave a comment. 🙂
Since I’m the number cruncher and the big Dude is the free spirit I realized I needed to do what Kimberlee suggest. We have a great relationship and the Dude knows I love respect him a ton. But I was always wanting to talk, talk talk.. when he was tired! So, I have him heads up and waited, when he gave me the “okay I can see straight” go ahead I gave him the quick run down. Each month we know what’s happening and how. He realizes how important it is to grab an item for me while we shop and REMEMBER what the price was! (a challenge at first!). Also, He has his own spending account. It’s small, but it is a “no questions asked” account and it keeps any tension away. He loves to see I am keeping to my own (smaller) account and has seen my progress over this year to the point when, if I really need something (this month it was underwear!) he is okay with taking that our of the food budget :o) He’s my cheerleader now and using the debit card for anything but gasoline is our new motto!
Feel out who your spouse really is, where you are in the equation. Sometimes respect and patience is key.
Love it! Sounds like you have found a system that works for you Barbara!
What opened my husband’s eyes one day was a discussion about price per person per meal. I told him what it cost to feed the kids breakfast, and he realized his convenience cost of feeding him was equal to feeding the rest of the family. The same thing happened with lunch costs. He was disappointed that he was doubling our food cost by his choices. All I did was answer his questions…. but it took time for him to get to the point of asking the questions.
I second the idea of the allowance of equal amounts for each spouse. He can then spend his money on whatever he wants. I have also heard that a second account is useful.
i will share what i went through and what helped me. my husband wasn’t the budget breaker, i was! here are the reasons i broke our budget:
1. happiness: shopping made me happy. i had to stop equating spending money on ‘goodies’ with happiness. ESPECIALLY when those ‘goodies’ piled up to not enough money at the end of the month.
2. fake ‘thriftiness’: i reasoned with myself that if it was on sale, we were saving money! unfortunately, those sale items, however good a bargain, still require money. if i used the electric bill money to catch a good sale on *fill in the blank*, i highly doubt the power company would be as enthusiastic as i about my purchase.
it took a lot of soul searching and painful honesty with myself to finally realize *why* dave ramsey’s principals weren’t working for me. i wasn’t following them!!!!
finding this website was a godsend. it was a stark reminder that my financial problems weren’t created because i didn’t know better, but because of my own ‘broken-ness’. i prayed to God to help me find true happiness, and to remind me that His Grace is sufficient for me. and yes, i highly agree that dave ramsey’s classes are worth it.
i wasn’t gazelle intense before (ya gotta take those classes to get this remark *grins*) but i am now!
Good for you for looking at the reasons behind your spending and working to correct your habits. Keep up the good work!
My boyfriend and I have this issue. I am a couponer and spent over an hour the other night clipping them and he wasn’t understanding why. go shopping and do what you need to do with a budget and them show him how much money you alone are saving. I only make $250 a month and that pays for diapers, laundry, my phone bill, and other things i need. plus i have 2 kids. its hard getting a guy to follow you along with a budget. then my boyfriend gets his ssi, that pays the rent and everything. im his caregiver so i have control over his money cause he doesnt go out of the house that often. even if you get food stamps couponing is important and so is budgeting. just tell him “if you sit and do one budget with me, then you can see how much money we can save and maybe we can go on that vacation youve always wanted to take” or something else hes always wanted that you didnt have the extra money for!