become verb to change, to grow, to come into being
Welcome back to the Becoming Series! You can read the previous posts in this series here.
(Note: I apologize for the length of time since the last post. It has been a very busy season for our family! Thanks for your patience! 
)
If you read my previous posts in this series you know that I was severely physically and sexually abused as a child. I am sharing transparently about the realities of this trauma in my life because I want to give hope to those who have gone through similar circumstances. God is faithful to heal EVERY effect of the pain in our lives.
As I began my healing journey, one of the first issues that my counselor confronted me with was that of forgiveness. Honestly at that time I could not even grasp the concept of forgiveness. The hatred that burned in me was well justified. If my abuser had been tried in a court of law I am sure that he would have been convicted and given the death penalty for the horrible acts he perpetrated against me as an innocent and trusting child. Forgiving something so heinous was humanly impossible.
No matter who the abuser is, sexual abuse is always devastating, but there is an added trauma when the abuser is a relative or close family friend. I personally was abused by a close family member and it made forgiveness even more difficult because my trust in our relationship had been so violated.
I felt that I was holding my abuser accountable by continuing my anger and rage. He had stolen my innocence and I demanded that he pay for what he had taken.
The only problem with this plan was that holding on to all that hatred and bitterness affected my life, but had no effect on the one that I was trying to hurt. My entire life was filled with an acid that spilled on to others. The very thing that I needed was relationship with caring people, but my bitterness pushed everyone away.
Unforgiveness is a prison which you build for your abuser brick by brick, only to find that once it’s built you are the one locked in the cell.
My first step out of that prison was acknowledging that the unforgiveness was hurting me and asking God to enable me to forgive. My early prayers went something like this,”God, I hate ____ for abusing me and I don’t want to forgive him. I don’t like You very much either for wanting me to forgive him, but I know that You love me and want what’s best for me. Help me to forgive.”
I felt some sense of release at that point, but as time went on and I asked God to help me forgive I actually felt more and more freedom. At some point I realized that I could say,”I forgive ____ for sexually abusing me.” It felt strange at first, but as I continued to declare my forgiveness of my abuser, the more joy, peace and freedom I felt inside. I can tell you that today God has actually given me a love for the man who did those horrible things to me. That is a miracle!
I need to say at this point that although I have forgiven this man with God’s help, I still have very firm boundaries. He is a relative but because he will not acknowledge the abuse and has shown no remorse, I do not have contact with him at this time. In the event that we are in contact in the future, my children will never be allowed to visit with him without supervision because he has not proven himself trustworthy.
If you are on the other side of this issue and still unable to consider forgiving your abuser, may I suggest starting where I did? Talk to God about how you hate your abuser and don’t want to forgive. At least you are acknowledging the truth.
With the help of God and others you can deal with those painful emotions. The freedom, joy and peace that you will experience is well worth the pain of facing the truth. Don’t keep yourself locked in a prison when you hold the keys to get out.
I would love to hear feedback on this issue. Has forgiveness made a difference in your life? Please leave a comment.
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
God bless you, precious!
YES!!!! I can shout that from the mountaintops!!!
I want to thank you for posting this. My Ex- husband did this to my daughter, his step- daughter. I found out about it when I was pregnant with our child. He endded up in prison for a while. He is now out and has visiation wth our child, supervised. It took me a long time to forgive him. There are still times I have anger that pops up. I just keep praying and God helps me get rid of hat anger. was left raising our child alone. When our child was aroun 3 he tested at having learning proublems. A whole list of them. Then when he was about 8 he was finaly diagnoised with Autism. He is jsut lik an asspergers child. They said the reason he was named Autistic instead of Asspergers is because he did not talk until shortly before Kindegarden. My son is now almost 16. I have went through many trials with him. I just wish more people understood the condition. So thank you so much for your post. I felt like I was in heaven when I found t yesterday.
Thank you
Wow Kat. I am so sorry. I think that I would have an even harder time forgiving someone who hurt my child. Did you see that I also have a 16 year old son with Aspergers? You can read my posts about Aspergers here if you are interested. Blessings!
Sharing is also a way to heal. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for testifying to God’s amazing way of binding up our wounds. Just as the world can say “how can you forgive” … God does the amazing and pours out this ability through His Holy Spirit. All Grace and peace and power be yours today and always.
You are so right Linda. God is healing me even more as I write this series. Thanks for your encouragement.
Forgiveness is hard but well worth the peace you yourself will gain. I walked a similar road twenty years ago. My experience was outside the family, thankfully.
I agree with your boundaries. Forgiveness does not mean you have to be around the person or endanger your own children. Congratulations in your freedom from your own prison.
Thanks Chris! I’m sorry that you had a similar experience, but it sounds like you have gained some healing too. Blessings to you!
I can say that forgiveness is the one step I have not taken. It’s been 23 years and I still can’t/don’t forgive. I grown tremendously otherwise, perhaps I should consider more. I always felt that forgiveness for him would mean it was a weird way of saying it was okay.
You know Sara, I totally felt that way–like I was giving him permission to go on with his life without any consequences or something. I realized eventually that I just have to leave all that justice stuff up to God. It’s too much for me to carry. I am glad that you have received healing. Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Kimberlee
I am so proud of you for sharing your story! Way to go girl! I too went through about 7 yrs of molestation when I was a child. At the age of 16 I chose to forgive and was set free! Forgiveness is amazing! Taking that first step of choosing to forgive, even when we don’t feel like it, is a huge step of faith, but it is a step in the right direction! I love you my sweet friend!
Thanks so much for your encouragement Kathryn. Forgiveness is definitely key.
Kimberlee,
Sometimes people come in to our lives for one reason but we soon find out that there was a higher plan involved in arranging the meeting. I believe that may have been the case with our meeting.
I’m thankful for our meeting at BlissDom. May you continue to heal each day, knowing that you are loved and blessed just as you are.
Thank you so much Sara. I completely agree. Looking forward to getting to know you better.
Thank you for sharing….I have a hard time with forgiveness. I have neven been abused…I can’t imagine what kind of childhood you must have experienced. My mother was abused when she was a little girl, so she kept an extra watchful eye on us. I never understood why until I had children of my own. I am work on forgiveness everyday. Thank you again for sharingand God Bless you. Jennifer
Thanks so much for your encouragement.