Being the mom of a child with Aspergers Syndrome (an autism spectrum disorder) has its challenges and its rewards. One of the rewards is living with someone who is insanely funny and who surprises me almost every day. One of the challenges is living with someone who surprises me every day.
As I have parented my son I have had to adjust my expectations in three areas:
Expectations of What I Can Accomplish
I am a high-achiever and very performance oriented. As I have dealt with my son’s issues over the years, I have learned to trim my schedule down and lower my ideas of what I can get done. Instead of following my agenda I have to go with the flow of what is happening with my son.
As he has grown into adolescence he has adjusted to some of the issues associated with Aspergers and calmed down quite a bit, so I am able to do more (blogging for example!). I still have to be willing to drop my agenda at a moment’s notice though.
Expectations of What My Son Can Accomplish
Because I am performance oriented, I tend to want my son to perform as well. That can be a problem because he has a math learning disability and sensory integration issues.
We have chosen to home school our children and it has been a huge help in dealing with Aspergers. I am able to keep my son’s environment calm and predictable for the most part, and he is able to concentrate on his school work. He is able to work at his own level and not feel the stress of dealing with the chaos of class changes and trying to focus on the teacher when so many others are in the classroom.
We have some good days and some not so good days. I now know not to plan a full day’s worth of activities and expect my son to be perfectly content and peaceful. I know the warning signs that he is becoming agitated and I try to stop and address the issue he is having before it becomes overwhelming for him and for me. Adjusting my expectations of what he can accomplish enables us to both be more peaceful.
Expectations of My Son’s Future
While my son is extremely intelligent and very high-functioning, there are still some hurdles to cross. People with Aspergers Syndrome do not pick up on social cues very easily and can be very blunt and tactless in communication. This combination makes holding a job difficult. The good thing is that my son has a terrific sense of humor and is well-liked, so hopefully this will help him to overcome his communication difficulties.
In the last two years I have seen my son make great strides. He has become much more independent and does quite well academically. He has transitioned from a child who hardly spoke to anyone, to a teen who easily talks with people he knows. He also cooks on a regular basis, which is a huge blessing to me!
Life with my son is not exactly the way I pictured it would be, but it has been a wonderful adventure and made me a much better person. I can’t wait to see all that God does through him!
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I needed to read this! My 6 year old has OCD, ODD, severe anxiety, tics, and SPD. I want to homeschool her, but my own perfectionism and expectations are getting in the way (not to mention our military lifestyle of frequent moves!). I don’t know what we’ll end up doing, but thanks for writing this!
You are so welcome Becky! I pray that God will show you clearly what is best for your family.
Thanks for sharing! My husband most likely has Aspergers, two of my step-daughters have symptoms and one has Autism. Life is never dull.
For what it’s worth: DH is a very successful engineer at NASA. His Aspergers actually helps him in this type of job. I hope your son finds a career that interests him as much as DH’s does.
Thanks for the encouragement Melissa! I am trusting God that my son will find a career he loves. It’s just those “teenage” jobs until then that I’m slightly concerned about.
What a great post. Our son is high functioning as well and we have toyed with the idea of homeschooling him but he likes school so we hate to pull him ya know? I worry about his future too but knowing we are working on with him now will hopefully help him when he is older is comforting. Thank you for this post
Thanks Marisa! I am definitely a proponent of doing what works for your child and as the parent, you know just what that is. I am happy for you that school is working for him.
My oldest has SPD, and I have also learned to adjust. And learning to trust. God will take care of our kiddos as they grow. He will equip us and them to go on. We are using a private/parochial school right now, and he loves going. I will home-school if there comes a point where these is not a good teacher/student fit with him. We do a lot of supplemental education with him. I agree that teachers and schools can only do so much (my husband is and I used to be a teacher). Blessings on your journey with your son!
Thanks for taking the time to comment Heather! It is encouraging to know that God is in charge.
I was also a public school teacher previously and the training I received has helped me in dealing with my son. I am really glad that school is working for your child.
My oldest has dealt with anxiety issues but in the past couple years has been better. When she was 5 she was evaluated and saw a therapist for about 2 years. She had them stumped, she appeared to have a lot of things and PPD was in her chart but they couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was. I ended up homeschooling her from 2nd to 4th, along with my other 2. She is back in public school and doing better. She actually is enjoying her time there so much that when the others say they want to go back to homeschooling next year she says she doesn’t. She still has her melt downs and I have to stay on my toes to head them off and handle them well but we are making it. Bev
I’m so glad that she is doing better Bev! It is always so encouraging to me when I see progress in my children. Thanks for taking the time to comment.